new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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