I want to make a zoo with you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
