I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
