He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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