Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
