Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
