last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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