even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
