you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
