Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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