and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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