the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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