dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
