The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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