If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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