Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
As shirtless as possible
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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