Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
