This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My life is pants optional.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
