bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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