Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
