i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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