Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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