she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
