Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
