Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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