At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Let's get the cat blown out
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
