Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
