Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
