I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
