Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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