Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
