his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my vag is so smooth its legendary
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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