I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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