why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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