Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
