If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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