Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
