Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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