Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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