you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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