I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
