Betty ford says i'm here all night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
