Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
