I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
