if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
