I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
