I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
