Sry I called you an 8
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
