Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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