using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
